Date: 18th December 2012 at 4:46pm
Written by:

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Vital Chelsea news.

We are your hosts for tonight Merlin and Saber. Tonight we present to you a very special guest, the man who is the best Russian oligarch in the world, the man who has pumped in a billion dollars to make Chelsea a force to reckon with.

But what is he really like behind the scenes?

Let`s go to his yacht and find out!

We are now aboard Mr Abramovich`s biggest yacht. As most of you know Roman owns a large fleet of yachts commonly referred by the media as the ‘The Roman Navy`.

Roman awaits us in the customized bar. (We walk in).

Merlin – ‘Good morning Mr Abramovich’

Roman (to his guard) – Strrk prrk perkvich krrrk prrrk perkvich

The Guard (to merlin) – the boss says you look familiar Merlin. I`m not sure why but this is our first meeting.

The guard (to roman) – krrrk prrrk urrk meeetovich.

Roman- Aaaaaah! Welcome to my humble abode fellow Chelsea fans. Please take a seat. What can I get you to drink?

Merlin – No thanks Mr. Abramovich me missus won`t take it too well going home all drunk yeh know.

Roman – I insist. (Guard points gun at merlin)

Merlin – Single malt whiskey on the rocks

Roman – And you little punk, with the Brazilian looking face?

Saber – A beer would be just fine thanks.

Roman – Good. (Calls bartender) One single malt whiskey on the rocks, one large beer and one vodka martini, fired but not stirred.

Roman – So what brings you hear my friends.

Merlin – I`m merlin and this is saber and we….

Roman – How much?

Merlin – I`m sorry?

Roman – How much to buy you?

Merlin – But we are not for sale.

Roman – So I`ve to wait till January transfer window. Man with white hair can be manager, and Brazilian kid can be in team. I`m buying people with scary names – Hazard, Oscar, Moses, Cesar and now merlin and saber. (Laughs) Can you make Torres score?

Saber – Doubt anyone can

Roman – You are fired! (Bartender walks in) (Roman sips drink)

Roman – This vodka martini is not fired. bartender. You are fired! Yes now let`s start with this interview. Wait! Man with white hair and single raised eyebrow

Merlin – Me?

Roman – Yes! You! I fired you two seasons ago. Why are you still here?

Saber – Err this is Merlin. That was Carlo Ancelloti. They just look alike Mr Abramovich

Roman – I see. I fire him anyway.

Merlin – Why?

Roman – Because I`m in a fiery mood

Saber – Because we lost the World Cup?

Roman – Yes!

Merlin (grinning) – So big boss when is Benitez getting fired?

Roman – Soon. Soon. But first you are fired

(merlin stops grinning)

Merlin – Alright big boss, why did you sack Roberto Di Matteo after he won you the Holy Grail?

Roman – I was watching the Juventus game and it hit me, no bald manager loses a game by three goals. If you have no hair, you should be wise. Robbie was aching for a breaking. You don`t make Russian oligarch unhappy and if you do you deserve to undergo pain.

Saber – But he had no time!

Merlin – Time is for losers.

Roman – I had a bet with @mq a kid from your site as to who is better in FIFA manager 2012. I win. He had to sell his house, clothes, hair and other things but still not enough. Now I have to point out that if you beat @mq in FIFA manager 2012 then you are better than Di Matteo.

Merlin – What are your expectations on the new manager?

Roman – Do you think if he loses 2 more games I will not fire him? (Silence) No! And this time the pain will be physical. One day I`ll find a manager who can never lose.

Saber – What was your reaction when we won the Champions League?

Roman – I buy another one!

Merlin – Does it bother you that the fans did not like the decision?

Roman – I buy the decision and I buy like. If any fan is still unhappy I fire him.

Saber – Your ex-manager AVB takes pot shots at you on a weekly basis.

Roman – That is because he is a cry baby living in a post World War II ghetto called Tottenham.

Merlin – Will you buy Falcao?

Roman – His name sounds scary. So yes!

Saber – Then what about Torres?

Roman – Like Sheva. He can become my match-day buddy. Now my time is over. I have to play FIFA 13. You both are fired!