Date: 29th April 2007 at 11:08am
Written by:

Lindy goes all Mystic Meg on us and has a quick look into the future!

May 1, the working people’s day in the world. And no team works harder than Chelsea. If UEFA would dare publish the tracab figures that would be proof to every one.

The arena in itself has been known as the only arena in the world where the crowd can score a goal. A claim to fame that boosted their confidence to ludicrous levels. It is also the only argument the players and coach have been able to use convincingly to boost their own confidence. As watching the match video from the first game proved that they were outplayed in every position in the first half except perhpas the goalkeeper. Unfortunately they had to start the game without Reina as he had nipped into a pie intended for Tubby Benitez that was served by an Everton-supporter. The pie was way too rich for a player and Reina started the game in the bathroom over the bowl.

UEFA had installed the tracab-system at Moanfield but had decided not to use it if there was another no-goal. UEFA was afraid of undermining the referees. Cowards as they are. Unfortunately they forgot to tell the ref which meant that he was scared stiff of doing anything during the game other than blow his whistle all the time. Better safe than sorry.

The game started with several very good Chelsea players out due to injuries, and some Liverpool players missing too. None of them really missed. Only Liverpool-supporters knew they belonged to the club. Tubby had planned the game meticulously in his 40.000 pound Chelsea kitchen.

Chelsea started with a line-up with three forwards attacking in a furious tempo. Tubby had counted on the usual slow way into the game so when Chelsea had had three really good goal attempts in the first five minutes he not only stood by the line waving his hands as a bad puppeteer as usual. He had also lost quite a number of hairs due to non-stop scratching.

In the tenth minute Chelsea took the lead. It was Lampard that took a shot five yards from the box. Dudek did not see the ball coming as he had eight players in red in front of himself.

It was also reported that a truckload of the condemned vegetable celery had gone missing in the Merseyside area. Of course Chelsea-supporters were suspected of this atrocious deed and the Liverpool police called in 500 extra coppers to search and find this lethal pale green vegetable. None was found but the game started 15 minutes late as 3000 blue supporters were manhandled in search of this infamous vegetable. Uneatable, but good in drinks. The local police did however report one strange incident in which two Liverpool jersey-clad supporters were found in an alley close with their trousers down tickling each other in the behind with this vegetable. They refused to give up their names but used the monikers noss-nobrain and indian flu. The police arrested them for their lewd and depraved behaviour in public. The claimed they did it because of lack of class and history. A bus load of local pensioner ladies that passed them are currently under severe shock treatment at the hospital. All have since forbidden their relatives to wear red shirts as that reminded them of the incident.

After the goal José Mourinho once again surprised Tubby and the Liverpool team. This time by adapting to a well known Liverpool tactic called the bus. JM brought Drogba down to play alongside Makelele in front of the defence. He kept only Kalou running on balls that weres kicked up to him. Chelsea played for safety not allowing anything red to come close to the box. The audience of course booed and accused JM of being a coward for using Liverpool’s own tactics against them. When Crouch at one time got the ball and managed to bend himself so strangely that he slipped a disc, everyone at Moanfield tried to get the ref to award them a penalty though it happened 25 yards from the goal.

Riise had revealed all secrets of how he kicks the ball, like that he never aims more than generally towards the goal and uses too tight shoes, that shuts of the blood to the brain sometimes. He did this on Swedish TV before the game. He kicked himself hard on the right leg when the ball got away from him and had to be carried off. It hurt more than having to eat the Scandinavian delicacy Lutfisk at Christmas. (For non-Scandinavians this is dried up fish dissolved in sodium that is a traditional fare for the hard stomached people without taste buds. Almost as bad as the Icelandic version of buried and rotting shark with sheep testicles. That is why Scandinavian players can be rather tough to play against. Anyone that grows up eating that must be).

In second half JM took on Boulahrouz and put him on Saint Ickle. Boulahrouz got so close to Saint Ickle all the time that his girlfriend had to ask questions about any sexual improprieties afterwards. Two minutes before the end Saint Ickle and Boulahrouz was sent off together. They had then never been more than ten feet apart. Both their shirts had rips in them.

Saint Ickle did however get away from the Cannibal once and ran towards the Chelsea goal. He tripped badly on the chalked line and claimed a penalty. The closest Chelsea player was ten feet away. The linesman waived his flag for a penalty. But the ref threw a glance at the fourth official and UEFA representative, saw JMs face and after several seconds of thinking did the right thing. He waived the claim away. The audience was livid, as we all know that Saint Ickle never cheats, like Robben and Joe Cole. The ref had to be smuggled out of Moanfield in the same laundry basket that JM had supposedly used in Munich.

By then Chelsea was up two goals as Drogba had caught a ball and challenged Agger who got so scared that he turned the wrong way, again, and the Drog could easily make his way towards goal with Carragher chasing. Carragher chased hard and tough but forgot to stop when Drogba did, and Drogba could easily put the ball to Shevchenko who scored the decisive goal. Next to the ball in the net was Carragher who had not been able to stop in time.

JM, the grand master of all mind games had won, by using the opponents own tactics, which of course gave him another accusation for disrespecting the game. It was found unsportsmanlike to use the opponents own tactics against them. JM paid the fine and smiled all the way to Athens.

Tubby Benitez had almost vaporised in anger by the outcome and went off without shaking hands with JM that true to being the master of mind games thanked him for his game plan.

This is of course the likely future, the probable outcome of the game. At least as Madame Olga promised me when I asked her after consulting her dimly lit crystal ball. It did not show red colours at all so we had to guess that the ash grey ones in mourning were Liverpool players and fans.

Celery on you all, especially the two lads that had their first sexual experience with it.

Contribution by Lindy