Date: 30th March 2014 at 11:26am
Written by:

On over a £180,000-a-week and a meagre return of 19 league goals in 104 [dis]appearances since Abramovich’s pricey brain-fart moment in January 2011, isn’t it time Scotland Yard got involved?

Okay, that’s a joke I concede, although there ain’t nothing funny about the criminal profligacy of the one-time potent Chelsea ‘striker’. I mean, at an avaricious average of a goal per 5.5 games – worse than Andy Carroll’s West Ham average, to put this painful malaise in perspective – working out at an outrageous £2,631,579 for every goal scored in the Barclays Premier League in our royal blue shirt, can any of our young strikers [Romelu Lukaku, Patrick Bamford, Dominic Solanke and Izzy Brown] do any worse? Blimey.

Bought for a ludicrous sum that would comfortably foot the official bills of all US presidents and UK Prime Ministers combined, from Reagan and Thatcher to Obama and Cameron – including the overly monied George W. Bush Jnr regime [assuming the information that the incumbent American president takes home $400,000 per annum is anything to go by] it is safe to say the ex-Scouse pain in the backside should be investigated and probably detained and kept far, far, far away from SW6 by The Met for contractual fee fraud, undeserved criminal enrichment or some other contrapted legal jargon until someone [Roman Abramovich Jnr?] realizes his toothless “birthday toy” is simply what it is – an expensive unfunny joke that should be summarily thrown out the pram ASAP – as it seems the Financial Fair Play and our ambitions as an elite European club would render the only other functional option of doing him a Malouda or an Adebayor untenable.

Granted one shouldn’t sound so uncharitable or vindictive on a Sunday blah, blah, blah, and believe me I absolutely apologize to all the El Nino apologists out there, but do you think this farce should continue unabated?

It is trite Jose is thinking strikers! strikers!! strikers!!! especially since the Big Sam 0-0 19th century retro bore-fest earlier in the year, but don’t you just have the feeling that Torres’ chances of exterminating us all with his chronic ‘hypertoothlessomiasis’ next season is slimmer than that of David Moyes winning The Treble at Manchester United with a certain Rio Ferdinand as captain next term?