Carrying on from the SOTN at the top of the front page – Things that WILL happen this season. These are MY expectations for the season.
* John Terry will be ‘sensationally exposed’ in another newspaper hack job.
* We`ll win more games than we lose.
* We’ll lose more than we want.
* We`ll have one awful result at home to a rubbish team with a heavy defeat.
* We`ll have a slew of bad decisions given against us all season which we`ll remember for time immortal.
* We`ll have a slew of bad decisions given in our favour for some games in the season which we`ll forget as soon as they`ve happened.
* We`ll still moan with varying degrees of justification that everyone is out to get us.
* Liverpool – Chelsea will still be marketed by Sky as a clash of the titans when in fact they`ve not been in our league for about five years.
* AVB`s biggest achievement all season will be beating us.
* Ashley Cole will still be universally despised as the worst player ever to play for England despite being arguably one of the greatest defenders of all time and certainly the best fullback of his generation.
* We`ll move the ball far too slowly at times. It will get on our collective tits. We will moan about it. A lot.
* We`ll wonder why, despite being better than United for months on end, they are still above us in the table without ever looking any good.
* We`ll all secretly marvel at City`s football but slag them off in public.
* We`ll all spend all season hating Mario Ballotelli but secretly wishing he was at Chelsea.
* We`ll have one new boy who will start the season in blistering form only to fade off badly by the end of the season after being massively overhyped.
* Fergie will tell everyone he thinks we`re the biggest threat to ‘their’ title this season.
* John Terry will have a bad game. Everyone will say he is finished.
* David Luiz will have a bad game and everyone (apart from Alan Hansen) will love him.
* We will get at least one of Barca and Bayern either in the groups or knockouts of the Champions League. One of them will knock us out.
* Eden Hazard will play approximately four minutes of Premier League football before being labeled a £32m flop and being completely written off.
* Fernando Torres will play approximately four minutes of Premier League football before John Aldridge will come out of the woodwork to tell us all that he is finished.
* If we draw at Stoke it is two points carelessly lost at a team we should be beating easily with the team teetering on the brink of total crisis.
* If United draw at Stoke it is a battling point gained against a very good side at a very difficult place to go, and a sign that they have guts and ‘Fergie spirit’.
* Martin Samuel will stay at the Daily Mail and we`ll still all think he is far, far too good for that awful waste of paper.
* Ryan Giggs will still be a footballing hero. John Terry will still be a love rat cheat and alleged racist.
* Liverpool fans will be outraged when Steven Gerrard is not even nominated alongside Bradley Wiggins, Jessica Ennis, Victoria Pendleton, Mo Farah, Greg Rutherford, Ben Ainslie and the rest of our TeamGB sporting heroes for BBC Sports Personality of the Year.
* Twitter will even more bloated and pretentious than ever.
* Someone somewhere will get death threats.
* All of Scotland will be absolutely dumbfounded when Sky go back to them with a much, much reduced TV money figure now that the SPL is a one-horse procession and about as nailbiting as your average day trainspotting at Watford Junction.
* Rangers will win the title in their division. The beer will still be awful at the Bridge.
* QPR and Spurs away will be fantastic adverts for brotherly love, family values, enlightened footballing debate and the unifying effect of the global language of the love of football. Not.
* We will end up on an FA charge for having the temerity to stand there and sing songs.
* There will be forty seven different complaints to the police about racist behaviour from Chelsea fans – including sitting in seats, racist burger eating, racist pint drinking, walking quickly like a racist, buying racist matchday programmes in a racist manner, thinking racist thoughts and standing around in groups (possibly discussing racist things).
* Actual racism incidents elsewhere will go unreported and unpunished.
* Several lower-league or lesser sides (ie: Spurs) will bring a couple of thousand Burberry-ed up teenagers to Chelsea and be absolutely amazed to find that we don`t really do that sort of thing any more. This will not deter them from slapping a few women and kids and claiming they ‘took the piss at Fulham Broadway’ all over Twitter. Nothing will be done.
* We will have groups of fans away somewhere this season who will be having a sing song and a few pints and will end up in the cells, with the media reporting that the Chelsea hooligan element went on a rampage, demanding the CPS throw the book at them. Drinking pints indeed? How very dare we!
* You, nor anyone you know, will have tried one of those chicken baguette things or a Cup-a-Soup on matchday, yet they will carry on selling them.
* A rubbish home defeat on Boxing Day will ruin your Christmas. Again.
* Frank Lampard will still be fat, old and past it even if he bangs in another 15 goals from midfield this season. He`ll start the season slowly but end it on vintage form.
* Come the end of the season Frank will still be a lot less fat than me.
* The PFA players team of the year will not have any Chelsea players in it.
* Gigi Salmon will still be hot.
* Of the incidences of Chelsea players doing nice things for charity, the poor, orphans, disabled kids etc you will be hear precisely zero in the media.
* Of the incidences of Chelsea players going out and getting hammered in nightclubs, you will hear every gory detail across a massive two page colour spread. The reported bar spend is approximately 11 times what it actually was. Ashley Cole knocking a drink over will be reported as an attempted bottling.
* Rio Ferdinand will still be sticking his all in on twitter and then acting all hurt and victimized when he and his brother get a frosty reception from the Chelsea contingent.
* BLOCKBUSTER HEAVYWEIGHT MATCHUPS Aston Villa against Fulham and then Wigan against Sunderland on a Sunday afternoon will be hyped to laughable proportions as the next biggest games to the World Cup Final by Sky on Super Sunday, complete with massive echoey voiceover, flames, explosions and VT replays of some goals scored seven years ago.
* 909 will still be a thinly disguised vehicle for illiterate northern chimps to phone in and tell the country that they are more pleased about Chelsea losing than their own team winning.
* Alan Green will still hate Chelsea and continue to try to convince people that he isn`t a Liverpool season ticket holder and doesn`t pleasure himself rapturously to videos of ‘Rabbie Foyler’ in his Spice Boys shrine in his spare room every night.
* Even if Jose Bosingwa were still here Jamie Redknapp (and my Dad, and my brother Tom) would still pronounce it ‘Boswinga’.
* I really hope the Singha Girls are still there.
Anyone think of any more?
How about…?
We, the Chelsea family will still be there, doing it, singing it, supporting the team, and keeping our heads held high. We’ll keep taking the mickey and upsetting the big club applecarts even though we are now a de-facto big club. We’ll be there. I cannot bloody wait.
CAREFREE!!!!
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