I was as dismayed and outright disturbed as the rest of you at the continued suggestions from a few tabloid hacks, presumably whilst sniggering behind cupped hands, furtively keeping an eye out for the manager in case he sees them doing obvious wind-ups on company time. These suggestions revolve around the availability of one Rafael Benitez right now, and the much-discussed likelihood of there being an opening in the Chelsea managerial roster.
The same tabloid hacks begging, howling, braying for AVB to be unceremoniously dumped out on his ear will be the same ones sanctimoniously passing judgement on our owner, claiming new found sympathies for AVB, who deserved to be treated better etc. Regardless of whether the club has openly stated that AVB is going to stay, that RA has no intention of driving him out, and all that stuff, the speculation has reached fever pitch. Endless pontification about AVBs replacement has been printed, with the fact that he isn`t actually going to be sacked conveniently ignored as it does tend to get in the way of the story a bit. My interest levels in such journalistic bilge lurches from non-existent to zero, but now and again a name gets mentioned that makes me wonder what planet these idiots are on.
And so to Rafa Benitez.
You know sometimes when someone says something to you and you think you`ve misheard them, so you take a split second, think about what they said and then screw your face up and go…
“Do what?”
Reading the Rafa nonsense was a bit like that. I imagine my reaction might be much the same were someone telling me I had contracted the menopause from a toilet seat, or that Haye and Chisora`s handbags in Munich was actually about handbags. NASA scientists have discovered that Venus doesn`t actually exist? The sky is blue because of billions of tiny blue butterflies and not actually to do with the water etc? The Shard in London Bridge is revolutionary because its main structural supports are made of a state-of-the-art liquorice alloy?
Some things in life just do not make sense.
The funny thing is that the way it was written implies that they themselves believe it and are expecting the dribbling masses to do likewise. They reason it as if trying to win a debate, trying to sell the idea as if they actually believe it. Perhaps most incredibly of all, they seemed to think it might be a popular decision.
Roman Abramovich, if you are reading this, and I’m sure you are, don’t listen to the idiots in the press. Benitez will not get Torres scoring because the press will still have it in for him. All the angels in Heaven coming down, smiting every member of the opposing team and providing Torres with an open goal four yards out STILL will not get Torres scoring goals. He’s broken. A fat Spanish waiter will not change this. The media only want him so they can mock him, us and you some more.
I’m sure you realise how dumb the Benitez idea is, but in case you are having any doubts…
…I love making lists so here is a list of people who would be a more popular choice as Chelsea manager than Rafa Benitez, or “The Rafatollah” as he is often referred to in Huyton and parts of Toxteth.
Ayatollah Khomeini
Roy “Chubby” Brown
David Mellor
Hermann Goering
Peter the Great
George Graham
Dusty Bin
Colin Hay, frontman of iconic antipodean 80s pop-reggae crossover band Men At Work.
Myra Hindley
Ron Jeremy
Graham Norton
Bob Crowe
Bjorn Ulvaeus
Darren Day
Craig Bellamy
All of One Direction
Peter Cushing
Abu Hamza
Steve-O
Floella Benjamin
Warwick Davies
Ken sans Barbie
Kim Jong Very Ill.
The chap with the bees from the Magners advert.
Sir Cliff Richard
Godsuki, from genre-defining 80s Hanna Barbara manga cartoon Godzilla.
Tom Henning Ovrebo
Kate Moss
Carlos Puyol’s hairdresser
Lemmy from Motorhead
Shoab Akhtar
Frankie Cocozza
Ted Bundy
Alan Carr
Piers Morgan
Richard “Shoebomber” Reid
Dean Saunders
Jeremy Clarkson
Renee Williams, at 917lbs the heaviest woman in the world.
Pharaoh Rameses The Second
Joey Barton
My wife
Either one of my cats, Bert and/or Ernie.
he entire assembled cast of TOWIE.
Ashley Cole
Charlie Sheen
Cher Lloyd and backing group
Saddam Hussein`s pet weasel Mr Tickles.
Kevin Bloody Wilson
Hannah Montana
Adriano’s pasty supplier
The Laughing Cow
Francesco Schettino
President Taylor of Liberia
The Go Compare guy.
Mary Whitehouse
Frankie Boyle
Claire “Wings” Rayner
Fingermouse
The Pope.
Dolores O’Riordan
Keith Floyd
Penfold from iconic 80s children`s cartoon Dangermouse
Lou Reed
Tony Fernandes
The scouse woman who makes the daft dresses in Big Fat Gypsy Weddings
lever Trevor Francis
Feldmarschall Erwin Rommel
Silvio Berlusconi
The bastard who shot Bambi’s mum.
General Mohammed Farah Al Aidid, former commander of the Mogadishu hardline Islamist militia.
The chap who does the “YOU BUY ONE YOU GET ONE FREE I SAID YOU BUY ONE YOU GET ONE FREE” double glazing shouty advert on TV.
Neil Warnock`s wife
Sid “tits oooot” (the) Sexist
Larry Hagman wearing only an JR Ewing cowboy hat.
Shane McGowan
Both Cheeky Girls
HRH The Duke of Edinburgh
John Prescott
Lily Savage
Rebeckah Brooks
Justin Bieber
Bobby Brown
Cherie Booth QC
The bald Afrikaner guy who plays nasty Saffers in all films with unpleasant South African people in.
Steve Guttenburg
Rupert Murdoch
Ricky Ponting
Abdelbasset Al Megrahi
Yozzer Hughes
Frank Bough
Claire ‘Happy Birthday’ Grogan
Neville Neville
Tonto
Freddie Mac AND Fannie Mae
Michael O`Leary
Lembit Opik
The irritating judge off that dance programme. No, the other one.
The Marlboro Man, post-lung cancer
Jordan.
Pol Pot
Jason Donovan
The chap who used to present Eurotrash.
Jasper Carrot’s Camberwell carrot
Montgomery Burns
Dancy D`ell Olio
Yasser Arafat
Gloria Gaynor
The idiot with the plastic surgery who is President of Argentina.
Frosty the Snowman
Edith Piaf
Francis Begbie
Rollergirl
Seamus Heaney
The guy from ‘One man one jar’ (dont Google it!)
Jeremy Kyle
Kerry Katona
Banana Bob the Cockney Red
Dave Lee Travis
Cheryl Fergison
Joe Dolce
The guy who invested Crazy Frog
Jack Daniels
Wayne Rooney’s Granny
Marilyn Manson
Adrian Mutu’s coke dealer
Anita Dels and Ray Slijngaard from 90s ‘techno’ group 2 Unlimited.
Pablo Escobar
Russell Grant
Jeffrey Archer (with ASBO tag)
Russell Brand
Chow Yun Fat dubbed into very poor English
Ratchet
Clank
Leslie Ash’s plastic surgeon
Moby
Mystic Meg
Gene Wilder dressed as Willie Wonka
Pete Burns
Lindsay Lohan (whilst on remand for cocaine possession)
Jar Jar Binks
Thats just off the top of my head.
Can anyone else think of any others? I think the list is quite long…
CAREFREE