SOTN – Lunacy.

You see some pretty farkin’ stupid things written in the press.

I once watched an ‘expose’ on an American news channel about ‘the new danger lurking at our airports’ – the theory behind it was that the reporter had gotten hold of the statistics that showed that as the American major airports were getting more and more crowded, there were more recorded instances of the dreaded ‘go around.’ A Go Around is when an aircraft on approach for landing decides to go to full thrust and climb out again and come around for another try. The pilots will decide to do this if there is an obstacle like another plane on the runway, or he loses sight of the runway in fog etc. The report was asserting that the practice is unsafe, dangerous and needs to be stopped. Go Arounds are unsafe so we must stop doing them?

So they’d rather not go around and smash into the 737 in front? Good idea. Muppets.

I am sure I am not the only one who read the story in the Daily Mail (it was tweeted to me, I don’t read it obviously) about how a photographer had snuck into Asda in Basildon or wherever. He shot a snidey picture of your-mate-and-mine, Islamic radical preacher of hate and leading candidate for X Factor judge for next season, Abu Qattada, buying a Muller yogurt. That’s it. He bought a yoghurt. What are we to take from this piece of potentially Pulitzer Prize pulling pointed journalism? That Abu Qattada is not actually that bad and at least we know he prefers Peach Melba to Raspberry like any normal person? Or that we should seethe with rage at the idea that the British taxpayer having pissed millions up the wall trying to export and eject this baleful piece of human detritus to Jordan, paying all his social and housing benefit (probably) in the process, we’re now having to pay for this scumbag’s dairy-based dessert snackage as well??? Do me a favour.

Don’t know about you but I’m far angrier at the idea of someone actually getting farkin paid to write this dross. I work for a living. I find it offensive.

Most offensive of all though were the tweets floating around this weekend about our very own Spanish magician, Juan Mata.

(Bear in mind, before I start, this is our player of the year for the last two seasons, arguably our best signing of the last half decade and probably one of the finest players ever to don the blue shirt, despite only having been at the club for two seasons. A man so ludicrously talented that he has carried a struggling team for two seasons and brought glorious silverware. He’s so good he made Rafa Benitez look good. A man to whom comparisons with Zola Himself are not out of place. Bear this in mind.)

We’re going to sell him.

Bear with me.

According to reports in the Spanish press, most notably Marca (who are big Chelsea fans as we all know, and have never got a transfer rumour wrong ever, not since Franco anyway) – we’re going to offload the wee man to one of the Spanish teams for EUR32m.

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There’s so much wrong with that statement its hard to know where to start.

I mean, they know who Juan Mata is, right? They have not been watching videos of Marko Marin and got confused? No, apparently our own Jose Mourinho wants rid of him as he’s sh*te. And because he hates Spanish players, as conclusively proven and demonstrated beyond any doubt by his handling of national treasure, professional delicate flower and occasional criminally overrated goaltender, Iker Casillas.

Spain has stopped, their air traffic control has gone on strike and their fishermen have stopped purloining either of the two remaining cod from our national waters, to line up as a nation to say to anyone who is listening what a kn*bhead they think Jose is. He hates Spanish people. He is bad. He is a failure. Etc.

So we’re led to believe that Jose’s apparent frothing hatred from all things Iberian is merely a symptom of the loonery and nutterism that has overtaken him?

That he’s lost the plot completely and is good only for a padded room and some drugs to stop the speed-blinking and incontinence?

That he shouldn’t be allowed near machinery? Or garden tools? Or cutlery? Or television? Or people?

Because that’s what level of utter breakdown would be required for anyone to think that selling Juan Mata would be a good idea.

And, I’d like to think, that lying on his side in a padded room, drooling onto the rubber in a straightjacket drugged and unable to speak or utter words other than ‘Mhhhhppphhhmmmmrrrrhhh’ – Jose would STILL know that Mata is worth solidly double the insultingly derisory fee of 32m being bandied about.

Ridiculous isn’t it?

I wasn’t sure what to think when twitter exploded with the ‘news’ and Man United fans from all over begun collective pant-creaming over the idea of a Rooney – Mata swap, or indeed, United acquiring the diminutive Spaniard outright, let alone for that amount of cash. Its like going to an Aston Martin dealership and slapping a weathered, torn fiver on the counter and then demanding they throw in free extra cupholders, heated seats and the ceramic brake option, and a fit model called Jacinta With Fake Boobs in a teeny bikini who can suck golfballs through hoses etc.

Really does make you wonder what planet some people are on sometimes doesn’t it?

Not just the idiots who write this stuff, but the idiots who lap it up and start giving it the big one on twitter as if it is true!

I had an Arsenal fan tweet me to ask if i was worried about them winning the title when Mata joins Jovetic and Higuain at the Emirates.

I know.

I can feel you shaking your head as you read this.

I can hear the grunt of mystified amusement rise in your throat, as if you’d just seen a Guinea Pig sing My Way, or a baby kitten balance two Werthers Original on its nose, as you take that statement in.

Truly bizarre.

Talk about a Darwin Awards candidate.

Its enough to make you want to scream – GET THE FARK OUT OF MY GENEPOOL!

I would normally finish this article with something hand-wringy and laden with pathos about the youth of today and how we’re completely farked as a species with idiots like these being allowed out, let alone internet access but frankly I’m too depressed.

We’re doomed as a species boys and girls.

All that’s left now is for Sp*rs to buy him…

Nah, not even our gutter press would dream up something that daft.

CAREFREE.