Well no, not ‘we’, but Don, my housemate, who has some amusing views on what its like not to have the light and joy of the beautiful game in his life. He’s a Hammer you see…
Take it away Don!
Firstly, let me set my cart out. I’m the only pussy-whipped West Ham fan in the world. Sad but true. I know my views are one of a small minority. I don’t mind football as a sport. I actually enjoy watching highlights. I’m constantly amazed at some people`s skill and dedication. However most of football I am happy to leave well alone. Looks like I was born a few years too late – seems like someone around 1820 Anno Domini got bored of playing football, picked up the ball, and ran with it.
I am in fact a rugby player, and this is causing me a lot of anguish during this particular part of the world cup cycle – when the football is actually on 24 hours a day. Everyone is talking about it. Pictures, posters, endorsements and hyperbole from the media. Minute by minute snap-shots of life in Barden-Barden. Incidentally, why do we need to know that the WAGs enjoy shopping? They’re female. Of course they do. I mean it’s not rocket science, is it?
The throw away line of ‘rocket science’ is precisely what, for me, is the worst thing about the whole world cup experience. FIFA talks about ‘bringing the world together’. I say it’s bringing the lowest common denominators of the world together. Not that I am calling football supporters thick, but I’m actually railing against the constant battering of football into our consciousness. To a non-footballer, it is the worst thing imaginable. If I want a beer, I go for a Carlsberg or a Budweiser. If I want snacks? Pringles. Soft drink? That would be Pepsi of course. A car to bring football home? Hyundai (if it doesn’t fall apart).
ENOUGH! I get the fact that we really should support the team. I love the fact that we as a nation are patriotic, and support the boys, even if their latest display did send Chris and myself to sleep (although it was a heavy weekend to be fair- Ed.) I think it’s great that the flags are flying, and everyone (except Fleet Street) hopes for the best. Incidentally, you would have thought that the papers would show support for the team, but all I can hear is the sound of the knives being sharpened. Why don`t they just get behind the team? Why do they want England to fail?
But I digress – how does a non-footballer get through this overblown, franchised and over sponsored monstrosity of a football tournament?
It’s simple really. We join in. We have to. There is nothing else we can do. I’m sure hermits in the Outer Hebrides have been touched by this world cup (in fact, one of them may have been touched by the ball from Henrik Larsson’s penalty miss). But how do we keep sane during this garish mobius strip of highlights, games, commentary, competitions, flags, sponsorships, endorsements and f*cking stupid Pepsi / Lederhosen adverts?
We pretend. We imagine. What would the world be like if these overpaid, childish, petulant ‘sportsmen’ actually entertained? What would happen if Christiano Ronaldo`s multiple step-overs actually achieved something? What if players that aren’t doing very well are actually substituted off? What if displays of bad sportsmanship were actually punished? What if?
In my sport, if you argue with the ref, you are punished. If you do it again, next time you are on the ground, you’ll get a reminder from a team-mate why it’s not a good idea to say anything to the ref, unless it has the word ‘Sir’ in the sentence. Conducted via the medium of 8-16 aluminium studs, connected to a large amount of angry man.
You will probably have read yesterday how I wanted divers to be crucified and be used as free kick practice for opposing fans. How referees should have CS gas to make sure ‘injured’ footballers get up quickly. If Germans want people to have a yellow card and be sent off? Say hello to streaming eyes, an inability to breathe. They will never do that again. Arguing with the referee? Double blast. And one for their nearest team-mate. (this is the Genghis Don school of Footie Management is it mate? – Ed.) That would stop them crowding round and jostling the referee. What about footballers stealing 20+ yards down the touchline at throw-ins? I call for remote control landmines. More than a few steps? BOOM!
So if you see me watching a game with a smile on my face, it’s a good thing. Football can be a good thing. However, if you see me staring at the ceiling, with an evil grin on my face, I have just figured out how to make bear traps a useful part of this world cup. Enjoy your viewing!
Share this article
