New Chelsea signing Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn. United in the German national team. Indeed, Kahn passed on the captain?s armband to Ballack.
And now Kahn and Ballack are united on another front. They have joined forces against a company called Beate Uhse, launching legal proceedings against the company.
Chelsea readers are, of course, unlikely to know of this company. For Beate Uhse runs a chain of sex shops. Apparently it is the biggest such company in Germany, where, we were shocked to learn, sex shops are rife. What has really upset Kahn and Ballack is that the shops are marketing a range of vibrators with the names ?Olli K.? and ?Michael B.?
Now we are very unclear as to what a vibrator is, but we understand that it is something very unsavoury, and certainly not what you would like to associate with wholesome players such as Ballack and Kahn. Of course, the merchandise in question doesn?t refer directly to the players, but the allusion is clear.
?We are taking our measures against this. It is a clear attack on the privacy of Oliver Kahn?, said Peter Ruppert, Kahn?s lawyer. Apparently Michael Becker, Ballack?s lawyer agreed, adding ?objection your honour?, for good measure.
In the interests of completeness, we would like to inform you that the vibrators in question are bright red, they are 16 cm long, and they sell for ?69,95 in the Beate Uhse shops.
In a completely unrelated matter, we read in this morning?s Daily Mirror that, of the £130,000 that Chelsea pay Michael Ballack every week, a good £30,000 is for the image rights of the German captain. At that money, clearly Chelsea will need to exploit every single marketing opportunity possible.
So we fully expect to see Chelsea-approved Michael Ballack ?onion bag battering ram? vibrators on sale in the Chelsea megastore. In royal blue. And certainly a lot bigger than 16cm.
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