The first in a series of big screen blockbusters!
[…All the characters in this film, and any subsequent ones, are fictitious, any resemblance to any person living or dead is completely unintentional and entirely coincidental…]
Setting the scene:-
Let me take you to my India, a country where falling in love is still considered a taboo, and ‘arranged marriages’ still happen.
Basically your parents choose who you should spend your life with. Luckily I am an exception to this general phenomenon.
But a girl called Luca Mokric was not!
Let me tell you her story ladies and gentlemen we present to you
‘Courting Luca – A Sweet Love Story’
Starring – Luca Mokric (the girl), Chelsee (the handsome young man Luca falls in love with), Le-pee (Luca’s p*ss*d dad), Arry Redcap (Luca’s sad mum), Spud fans (the rest of the deluded family), and Old Red Nose (an old guy who Le-pee wants Luka to marry).
Young Luca is bored with the Spud way of life, disenchanted with not having the best life can provide and wants to start a new way of life when she finds the man of her dreams – Chelsee.
Kind enough not to upset the family (the Spuds) she gently asks her dad if she can marry him.
Apparently her dad had promised her that when the time came he’d let her go with whoever she wished, as long as she could better herself. But unfortunately for her, her dad is deranged and a man who has nothing but selfish interests in mind.
He cheats her and threatens to ground her if she talks about Chelsee again taking away her minimal pleasures and forcing her to hide away from public life. Her mother (Arry) meanwhile, is equally scared of her husband and nods her head to whatever he says, occasionally breaking cover to utter some words of praise for his daughter but forever wary of the iron hand of old Le-pee.
Deep down even her mother knows that Luca’s true happiness lies with Chelsee, knowing that a nephew, Lampy, had endured a happy and productive career in the posh part of the community, adding silverware and medals to the family vaults and getting the adulation that Luca so craves and deserves.
But she’s afraid that if Luca leaves, the younger daughter (Gwyneth Bale) will run away too. Gwyneth has a surprising turn of pace but very little else and has been labeled a one-trick pony but she too has aspirations of breaking away from the poverty hit streets of her current abode.
Meanwhile the aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, and nieces (the Spuds fans) are the most deluded bunch in the world, grasping at false dawn after false dawn and quite content to have drunk from the gold chalice of the Champions League, once, but now looking forward to Thursday night football on a minor channel away from the masses.
It further emerges that Le-pee wants to whore out his daughter to Old Red Nose, an un-savoury character who doesn`t know when it is time to call it a day, a character that bristles with rage whenever he doesn`t get his way and a character that is looking to off-load the black sheep of the clan Berba-flop. Old Red Nose really does rival Le-pee as the big screen pantomime baddie!
Le-pee and Old Red Nose have done business before, Sir Michael of Carrick, the scrouge of India and Berba-flop have all made the epic journey from the badlands to the even badder lands, crossing the northern plains and pillaging silverware they didn`t own.
But luckily, Chelsee’s dad is a guy who genuinely loves his son and wants to see him happy. So he walks up to Le-pee and waves a huge wad of notes in front of him, teasing him with a chant of I`m considerably richer than you before pouring two glasses of first class Russian vodka on his balding head. Old Red Nose is speechless as the marriage of Chelsee and Luca goes ahead with the happy couple set to lead a happy life and him powerless to prevent it.
Love wins in the end… Chelsee’s family (the fans) celebrate the wedding while Old Red Nose fumes and the Spuds cry into the gutters of the ghetto.
Next in this fantastic series of merlin and saber productions, the epic Sci-fi encounter starring Gwyneth Bale and his fight to return from a parallel world where time has accelerated and all is not quite as it seems with the human population enslaved!
The End!
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