RED ROM RAGE AS CHELSKI ARE BRUM-MING AWFUL
COLLAPSE
Chelski appeared almost on the brink of a spectacular collapse last night, after nearly losing to a very poor Birmingham City side on Saturday. The hapless blues were poor throughout, and never looked worthy of beating a hard-working, British-led Brum side that had the determination and strength to stand up to Mourinho’s bullies. Didier Drogba was well-booed throughout for his cheating, diving, and deceiving. Luckily, the Referee in this game was well aware of his, and the rest of his moneybags team’s ‘gamesmanship’, and plucky Brum very nearly got a deserved three points when they got a corner near the end, cheered on by their long-suffering, hard working, passionate fans. Chelski’s hopeless strikeforce of Crespo and Drogba, for whom Chelski paid enough money that could have fed an entire starving African country for more than nine years, yet again failed miserably to do their job. Michael Essien in particular looks a joke considering how much the Blues paid for him, and had another total nightmare of a game. How Chelski must wish they had home-spun talent such as Rooney, Saha, Ferdinand, Gerrard, Fabregas, or Henry in their team instead of paying shameful transfer fees to lazy, cheating, criminally overated players that clearly lack the heart to hack it in our country. The glory and pomp that Liverpool showed when they hammered the same team very recently was very lacking to all who saw Chelsea get hammered all over the park by Brum.
PANIC
A source close to Chelsea confirmed tonight:
‘We were complete rubbish. I really think Man United will catch us with their sparkling football, and the mood in the dressing room is one of hopeless panic’. It appeared that Chelski were coasting to a well-bought, if not well-earnt, second successive Premiership title after Christmas, but the Chelsea hierarchy, and in particular Roman Abramovich, have found out that money can sometimes buy you quality, but it cannot buy you class, history, or team spirit. Chelsea’s shredded team spirit is hardly surprising after this latest hapless performance against supposedly inferior opposition. Many, many times this season Chelski have been outfought and outbattled by harder-working, more honest teams, and the Birmingham debacle was no different. Usually, Chelsea have either cheated or resorted to long-ball tactics to win these games, but often they get found out. This latest shocker of a result now means that Manchester United are now virtually assured of taking the Premiership crown from the clutches of Red Rom. They are playing with honesty, guile, passion, and flair, and most of Chelski’s disjointed dressing-room must be looking towards Man United wondering why they didnt sign for them instead.
DESPERATE
Jose Mourinho has been hardest hit by the Blues’ recent calamitous form. A source close to the arrogant Portuguese told us:
‘Jose is desperate. He told us last night that the world had found out his game, and that they knew how to outwit him. He knows everyone has wised up to the cheating, and he doesnt know what to do. He has the look of a beaten man’.
ALCOHOLISM
It is clear that Jose Mourinho has been found out as a manager, and it seems certain that when Red Rom gets impatient with his scandalously expensive team of gutless, classless, gambling-addicted failures winning nothing, going so long without winning anything, and playing dull, boring, ultra-defensive, almost unwatchable football, that he will call in his huge private army of agents, led by shadowy Jew Pini Zahavi, to replace Mourinho. A close friend of Abramovich stated last night:
‘He is gutted. He sees the money he has spent being wasted on boring football, and is very tired of Mourinho’s dirty, dishonest ways’. Given Abramovich’s evident dishonest background, this is some testament. The DAILY GAWP can exclusively reveal that moves have been made to replace Mourinho with Fabio Cappello. Abramovich was noted drinking a glass of what appeared to be Italian Rose wine last night, and this is clear, irrefutable evidence, as if any were required, that his greedy Russian eyes are looking to Cappello to step in to take up the poisonous Chelski chalice. The rank alcoholism noted at the same time merely illustrates just how bad things are at Stamford Bridge at the moment. Who knows how many other, unseen bottles of wine were being callously quaffed back by the players?
SICK
It was hoped that the sad example of George Best would serve as warning, but not to these Chelsea players, these immorally-overpaid players who assume rules dont apply to them. Partying, alcohol abuse, and the seemingly vast drug problem at the club, as evidenced by the Mutu and Bosnich scandals, appear to be symptomatic of the sickness that is affecting Chelsea. Clearly the outrageous wages paid to these preening primadonnas is the problem. Luckily, almost none of the other clubs in the world pay any meaningful wages to their players really.
GREED
Few can deny that Abramovich, for all his greed and alleged links to the Russian Mafia, is not a smart cookie. Quite why he chose to buy a mediocre Premiership no-hoper, surely headed for the lower-leagues and bankruptcy is anyone’s guess, but it cannot be long now before he departs these shores having deserted the club that has turned into a collossal money pit. Vast losses, largely disinterested, tiny, and Nazi hooligan /’prawn sandwich’ fanbase, and no history means Red Rom’s situation at Chelski is now, after the Brum capitulation, untenable. He will surely walk away and never return, leaving Chelsea to sink all the way back to where he found them. Our exclusive revelations on Thursday, where we were the first newspaper to bring you the scoop, that Al-Qaida has been officially renamed Al-Chelsea, and that global warming is in fact now called The Mourinho Effect, meaning that World Terrorism and Global Warming, issues that affect us all, are actually linked to Chelsea, and could very easily be the fault of moneybags Chelski.
FAILURE
After the Brum humiliation, every manager in the world has seen how Chelsea’s season has come crashing down around them, and they are learning how to beat the previously unbeatable Chelski. Thrashed soundly at home by Charlton in the league cup, hammered home and away by a rampant Barcelona side intent on righting the evil, dark injustices of Chelski’s cheated passage last season, then battered by nearly dozens of teams in the League, including a hilarious drubbing at the hands of Boro at the Riverside. Chelski have little chance against the beautiful, artistic, and flowing football of Liverpool in the FA Cup, and Manchester United are assured that there will be Red ribbons on the Barclay’s Premiership this season. Their title win last season can now be seen for what it was, and for what we at The DAILY GAWP have been saying since the beginning. A fluke. A Blackburn. A nothing. An abberation. It is a testament to the beautiful game, that the good guys always win in the end. With Chelsea all but out of the Premiership race now, Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger, and Rafa ‘the gaffa’ Benitez deserve all the praise for breaking Chelski’s dark blue monopoly on our game, and never stooping to their levels.
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